As the second year of motherhood is approaching. I have been catching up on my reading list and have been putting forth more of an effort to get back to my center. What prompted this for me was my feeling of loss of self. Not to sound too dramatic, however, I have noticed these past few weeks my patience has been wearing thin. I felt as if the slightest little thing would or could set me off. I felt moody and slightly more irritable. My cycle has been on and off and I know that can be a huge contributor to mood swings as well as anything along the lines of hormonal imbalance(s), but I’ll have to save all of that for a future blog post, as that is an entire topic I wish to discuss at a later date.
I came to the realization that I had allowed my emotions and circumstances to back me into a corner and that I had been harboring a lot of feelings of animosity towards myself (as well as a few others) that coupled with stress and insomnia — in addition to the many things going on in life, had finally caught up to me; as they often times will do.
Everything was manifesting itself into me being over the top moody and/or completely shut down and despondent. There wasn’t much of a happy medium. The one who was truly suffering through my emotional roller coaster ride was my little one. my angel. my heart. She’s innocent in all of this, yet I found myself losing my cool over things that normally didn’t phase me. Sadly, I felt, I had become the very parent that I swore I would never become. I would even speak to her about this while she was still in utero.
I broke down and cried.
How could I have broken my promise? How could I have let her down? and let myself down? I felt like a failure of a mom. I felt lost and had no idea what to do. I ran a bath, lit some candles and placed my rose quartz stones nearby. I took a few deep breaths, said a quiet prayer and spoke to God. I asked Him for forgiveness and to help me do better from here on out. I then apologized to my little Khy berry and she welcomed me with open arms, as she always does.
Children are so resilient. But they shouldn’t have to be.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
How is it as parents, we have such high expectations of our little ones and demand that they “get it together” at the drop of a hat during a time of great emotion or chaos? They are simply learning as they go and we are teaching them by the example we set. We expect their emotional maturity to be perfected and evolved, when we ourselves are battling through that very thing every day.
Many of us were not taught nor had any one ever mention emotional intelligence or emotional maturity to us. It’s not even really taught at the university level. It’s something you must actively seek out, pursue and make a commitment in your life to achieve.
You have to be the change you want to see. It doesn’t just occur out of the blue with some pixie dust being sprinkled into the air.
When little people are overwhelmed with big emotions. It’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” – L.R. Knost
This quote really hit home with me. It made me take several steps back and calm myself. If you are a mom and have been struggling with this lately, I hope it can provide some comfort and clarity for you as well.